Fire Away
by whoopsiedoopsie65
Summary: (Tw: Eating disorder) Maddie knows what she's doing, knows it ultimately has to do with Doug, even if she just wants to pretend that it all never happened. She knows it's bad but she doesn't care. Chimney and Buck, however, do.
1. Chapter 1

"Maddie. C'mon. Please."

"Tired. G'way."

"I'm not leaving," he replies firmly, in that "I'm not messing around voice" that he uses often, but almost never with her.

"Mmm going back to-"

"No, not on the couch, at least. Maddie, it's one. You were supposed to meet me for lunch at eleven. Have you been asleep all day? You never sleep in. You're always up freakishly early. Did you not sleep last night? You didn't have the night shift yesterd-"

"Buck, leave," she groans, closing her eyes again only to have Buck clap his hands in front of her face to startle her into opening them.

"You don't feel warm," he murmurs, with that bewildered look of his, "but you look like hell. What doesn't feel good?"

"Tired. Not sick. Go. Away."

"No, this is weird," he sighs, biting his lip and running through all the medical training he is required to have as a firefighter-non-paramedic, "can barely keep your eyes open, pale, sleeping excessively, limited unawareness…" but of course, she's asleep by the team he finishes running through his laundry list of concerning but nonspecific symptoms of almost every ailment ever.

The thing is, it's not like Maddie doesn't know what she's doing to herself. She's a nurse, or at least, she used to be one. She has a hard time piecing together her identity after being abducted by and having to kill her ex-husband.

But regardless, she _does _have a nursing degree and appropriate licensure. She knows what an eating disorder is; she's met many women, and more men than you'd think in the emergency room having medical catastrophes because of them. Even watched a few of them dying. That's how you learn that it's not some superficial "I just want to be skinny" thing. You can't watch someone die from it and believe it's that simple or trivial. Or _voluntary_.

Deep down, she knows it's about Doug, but she wants to forget he exists. So she's starving herself. Well, it's not as linear as that, but she knows the trauma is the heart of her eating disorder.

Which she doesn't have, even though she knows that she does, even though the therapist that Sue has been making her see has brought it up time and time again.

Because the other thing is, she knows these things don't just go away on their own, and that they're hard as hell to kick. And she's tired. She doesn't want to deal with it.

So she doesn't. She just lets it run its course. The thing that's happening. The diet that's not a diet. She knows. She just won't admit it. Not fully to herself, and not at all to anyone she knows. Her therapist might have a lucky guess, but no one else has a clue.

Or at least, they didn't. Sleep through lunch with your brother one time and he's concerned you're severely anemic, which in all fairness, she might be.

And of course he calls Chimney, who is lying down on a bunch of pillows beside the couch when she wakes up.

He's so fucking perfect she could cry, if she wasn't so exhausted.

"Maddie, hey, you awake, sweetheart?" He asks, sitting up and trying to get a good look at her face, fingers on her neck near instantaneously because of course he's in paramedic mode.

"Mmmm," she groans, trying to shake herself awake so he doesn't freak out like Buck did, though she supposes that ship may have already sailed considering he felt the need to lie on the floor next to the couch for god knows how long.

"Hey, Maddie, I need you to wake up for me a bit, okay? I need to ask you a few questions."

"No. No questions. M'fine."

"Sorry, questions incoming. Your dating a paramedic who heard you weren't feeling too good."

"Just tired," she whines, waving her hand dismissively, "what time is it?"

"Little after three," he says with a sad little smile, "was going to wake you up at 3:30 if didn't wake up on your own."

"How long have you been here?" she asks with a yawn, forcing herself to sit up a bit and keeping her most neutral face as she experiences the headrush.

"Well, not too long after Buck called me," is all he says with a nervous chuckle, which she knows is Chimney for "I might have broken a few traffic laws on the way over."

"I'm fine," she protests weakly, which is met with A Look, "just really tired. Been a long week."

"Has anything happened that made it more tiring than a normal week for you?" He asks as diplomatically.

"Just stuff. Calls. Stress," she says, knowing it's not the greatest answer but she's still waking up and her head always feels a little fuzzy these days.

"You been sleeping alright?"

"Chim-"

"Maddie, humor me?" he asks with a bit of desperation that makes her feel… sad, for reasons she can't quite pinpoint.

"I'm fine, Chimney," she lies, feeling a bit sadder, "just… tired. I'll be good as new tomorrow."

"Well, I'm going to stay with you until tomorrow," he says steadily, scanning her face, "until I have to leave for work in the morning. I'm a bit worried you're coming down with something so we're going to take it easy, okay?"

"I have to work tonight."

"I'll be the judge of that," he says gently, but with sincerity, and Maddie thinks maybe, just maybe, she might be screwed.


	2. Chapter 2

Karma must really be out to get her for all her false reassuring her brother and her boyfriend that everything is okay with her, because after (actually, truthfully) swearing up and down that no, she's not coming down with something, for the past week, she does, in fact, start to come down with something.

She has the day off, and they're both at work until the late evening, so at least she doesn't have to admit it. Yet, at least.

"Fuck," she groans, letting herself collapse back on her bed after the headrush from getting up overwhelms her, "guess I don't really need water anyway."

Well, she knows she does actually need water, of course, even people who weren't nurses for years know that staying hydrated is imperative when you're sick, but it's not like she's puking or anything, and the thermometer is too far away but her fever probably can't be that high, anyway. Not drinking any water for a few hours is less than ideal, but it's not going to kill her or anything.

"Why are you calling?" she moans when her phone lights up with a call from Chimney, because isn't he supposed to be saving lives or whatever? It's probably just a light work day, and he's just, thinking of her because he's sweet and romantic and all that, and normally she would appreciate it, but now she just wants to nap, so she does.

For six hours, accidentally, and when she wakes up she's covered in sweat, and so are her bedsheets.

Well, one of those things can wait, she thinks to herself.

"Shower," she mumbles determinedly, slooooowly raising herself out of bed. She still gets dizzy, but she perseveres, because really, she feels absolutely disgusting.

She makes her way into the bathroom, albeit unsteadily, and sits down on the toilet seat while she waits for the water to heat up. And she wants it warm. Very warm. She's freezing. Probably from the dried sweat, she tells herself, because she refuses to believe her fever is that high. She hasn't had a fever over 100.5 since she was a small child, and since she is _fine_ there's no reason a run of the mill bug would hit her any harder than usual.

And ah, the water, the very, very hot water feels so nice against her skin. So nice that she leans against the wall, closes her eyes… and maybe accidentally drifts off to sleep a little.

And when that happens, uh, she falls.

"OUCH!" she yelps, disoriented and confused and feeling betrayed, because this is the rudest literal awakening she's had in quite some time.

It takes her a few minutes to piece together what has just happened, because she's still half asleep, and in pain, and very feverish, and all wet and oh… that's right. She's wet because she was in the shower, and the water is still running and she's lying in the tub and oh, she must have fallen asleep.

Great.

And though she is still very, very, out of it, she is pretty sure she has sprained her left ankle to hell and back, and for a myriad of reasons, she's realizing that getting up is going to be incredibly challenging.

She could just stay there for a while, she supposes, and she does, because though she's freezing and soaking wet, she feels terrible, and her ankle _hurts_ and she's exhausted and trying to get upright just feels like too much to-

"Maddie, Maddie? Where are you? Did Chimney piss you off or something? He's at the hospital following up on a choking baby he saved to make sure he's okay, but he says he called you this morning and you never responded and he's worried and wanted me to check on you."

"In the shower," she squeaks back, which Buck has no surmised because he can hear the water running, but he can't hear her over the water because she doesn't have the energy to talk very loud at the moment.

"Maddie," he calls, "I can hear the shower running. If you wanna ignore Chimney that's fine, I guess, but don't ignore me unless you want me to assume you're passed out in there and come barging in."

"You've got ten more seconds!" He calls after she's quiet, weighing her options.

"Can you come in?" She asks with all the energy she can muster, swallowing her pride, "Buck, I need help."

And for a moment she thinks she was still not loud enough for him to hear her, but he must have just been kicking into first responder mode, because a second later that door is BUSTED open.

"Maddie? Maddie what's- Maddie!" he shouts, realizing she's uh, not standing up when he sees her non-enlarged foot resting up on the edge of the bath.

"I fell," she says with a tired, forced, pathetic little giggle.

"What? Okay, hold on, I'm-"

"No, I need to be covered first," she says in her most firm Big Sister voice, "_close your eyes_ and reach in to turn the water off, and then you're going to hand me the towel and let me cover myself up, and _then_ you're going to help me."

"Maddie-"

"Buck," she says in that same tone, "I know you're used to just busting in and saving people, but while this is… not great… it's not an emergency. Please just let me save what's left of my dignity in this situation?"

"Fine," he sighs, announcing that he's closing his eyes before reaching in and around to turn the water off.

"Thank you," she whispers.

"Let me get you your towel," he hums, tossing it in the shower without looking, "now, what the hell happened?"

"I…" she sighs, before realizing there's likely no lying her way out of this one, because he's her brother and a first responder and he'll figure out she's sick eventually, "I'm not feeling well. I'm sick. Just a bug or something, but I… fell asleep, here, in the shower, well, obviously. And ended up falling, and now my ankle is sprained and… here we are."

"Okay, where do I even begin with all that?" he asks, and she can't see him, but she just _knows_ he's talking with huge hand gestures, "how sick are you? What are your symptoms? Why didn't you just pick up the phone and let Chimney know you were sick? And exactly how long were you just laying on your shower floor before I got here? And oh, god, did you hit your head?"

"No?" she says unconvincingly.

"Maddie."

"I don't remember," she sighs honestly, "I was asleep. I only woke up when I fell."

"We're getting you checked out."

"Buck, no-"

"You know how dangerous unchecked concussions can- oh, look who's calling!"

"Buck, no, please don't-"

"Hey, Chim, you're on speaker!"

"Fuck you, Evan," Maddie growls quietly to herself.

"Hey, is Maddie there? I'm still at the hospital but I'm about to head out-"

"No, no, you stay there. We're coming to you."


	3. Chapter 3

It's almost freaky that Chimney can come within one tenth of a degree of her actual temperature based on feeling her forehead alone, but then she remembers he's a paramedic and beyond that he's _Chimney_ so of course he's mastered his job just that much. Never one to do things halfway, that man is.

He's also _usually_ not one to miss an opportunity to good-naturedly gloat, so when she turns to him with a tired, tight smile after the nurse reads her temperature out as 101.2 when he guessed 101.1, she's surprised that there's no matching smile on his face. He just looks… exhausted.

"It might still be the flu even though you got your flu shot," the nurse says after a moment, "I'm sure all three of you are aware that there's no way to inoculate against every potential strain."

"Mmm," is all Maddie can muster, because she knows she's not dying, so honestly she doesn't really care what garden variety of virus her body is percolating. She just wants the "yep, no sign of head injury" all clear so they can go home. It's late, her (sprained, not broken, which she knew BEFORE the x-ray, thank you very much) ankle hurts, her whole body feels like jello, and she just wants to sleep. And stop having to endure Buck and Chimney's worried looks, which is another problem that would also be solved by her being asleep.

The fever makes her mind feel a little foggy but she still passes the neurological exam easily, and the nurse gives her the okay to leave with general instructions for monitoring her fever, elevating her ankle, and to bring her back if any delayed concussion symptoms develop.

It's about two am when she gets helped back into Buck's car, and she's glad Chimney's apartment is so close to the hospital because every minute that she's still awake is one minute too many.

"Almost home," Chimney hums, gently playing with her hair as Buck drives, "almost time for bed. Going to stay home with you tomorrow, okay?"

"Mmm don't have to-"

"Maddie, I have enough personal days saved up that we could take an impromptu African safari and my job would still be in tact when we got back," he jokes, albeit not with his usual level of enthusiasm, "I think I can spend one on my girlfriend who was just in the hospital."

"Wasn't admitted. Just got checked out," she whines, hardly able to keep her eyes open.

"That's still concerning!" Buck calls from the driver's seat, and whatever, she doesn't have the energy to argue it any further.

"Poor Maddie," Chimney hums sadly after a moment, brow furrowed, "sick and hurt. That's no fun at all, hm? Gonna make sure you're a-okay and nice and safe and comfy as can be, okay?"

"YourethebestHowie," she mumbles wearily, trying to open the car door before realizing she forgot to take off her seatbelt.

"...Ooookay, maybe let me and Chim here help you get out of the car and upstairs, alright?" Buck suggests, and by "helping" he really just means he's going to carry her. Which would be humiliating if she hadn't fallen asleep two seconds after he picked her up.

"Jesus," Chimney can't help but sigh, "I don't like this."

"I don't particularly either, but the flu and a sprained ankle are pretty mild compared to what we see everyday."

"Yeah, doesn't mean I have to like it when they're both happening to my favorite person, though."

"Your faaaavorite person?" Buck teases, before sighing a bit himself, "we'll make sure she's alright. It's the whole falling asleep in the shower thing that kind of freaks me out. I don't know if I've ever been that sick."

"You had a pulmonary embolism a few months ago, Buck."

"Yeah, but that's-"

"I know what you mean," Chimney nods, as Buck sets Maddie down in his bed, "and me, either. Guess I'm just going to have to keep an extra close eye on this one."

"Don't let her shower alone for a few days- which is not something I'd ever though I'd say about my sister, but-"

"Buck," Chimney cackles, "got it, okay. I've got her."

"Thank you, you know… for having her," he replies, not quite making eye contact, which Chimney knows is a sign of one hundred percent sincerity.

"I didn't fall in love with her for you," Chimney jokes after a long, thoughtful moment, before going more serious, "but… you're welcome. She's always safe with me, okay?"

"I know," Buck nods, "not used to knowing that."

"Doug," is all Chimney can sigh, looking at Maddie, then up at that ceiling, then over at Buck, and then over at Maddie again.

"Yeah," Buck spits bitterly, "Doug."

It goes quiet for a few moments after that, and Chimney is about to offer Buck his couch to sleep on if he doesn't want to drive back to his place at this hour when the younger boy speaks again.

"He could've killed her. It always… that always hits me so hard, no matter how many times I realize it, it's like the first time I've ever had that thought. And not even just last year when he stabbed you and then took her, the whole time… if she hadn't ran in the first place."

"I don't like to think about that," Chimney says succinctly, "but I think about it, too. A lot. At any point during that whole relationship he could have just snapped and killed her. The statistics are horrifying- I've read too many books about domestic violence since I've met your sister- I… it sounds so shitty to say, but Maddie is _lucky_ in a way."

"Yeah," Buck says with the most exhausted chuckle, "lucky she made it out with her life. Like me and the whole getting crushed by the fire truck thing."

"Must run in the family. The immortal Buckleys."

"You might be immortal at this point, too," Buck laughs, a little more cheerfully this time, "I mean, not even counting the stabbing incident, the whole rebar survival kinda makes you invincible, in my book."

"I'm still not convinced Eddie completely believes that story, even though it's all true. Can't blame him, though."

"He asked me fifteen times during his first month at the station alone if we were all bullshitting about your scar, so yeah, I wouldn't be surprised if he still doesn't completely buy it."

"Sometimes I can't even believe it happened, and it happened to me."

"Yeah, same for me with the tsunami."

"Jesus, some lives we live, huh?"

"Some lives we live," Buck nods with a bemused smile, "what a year, huh?"

"It's not New Year's yet; don't tempt fate, Evan Buckley."

"After the year we've had? Fair enough," he chuckles, "I'm sure something will go wrong between now and then. We got, what, three weeks?"

"Three weeks, three disasters," Chimney replies, only half joking, before yawning a bit.

"I'll let you get some-"

"Probably gonna be up for a bit," he sighs, nodding over towards Maddie, "but if you want to just sleep on my couch tonight? Go ahead?"

"Cool," he nods, and as he slips out of the room he (quietly, as not to wake his sister) calls, "you're a great sort of brother-in-law!"


	4. Chapter 4

"Mmm," Chimney groans, rubbing at his eyes before murmuring to himself, "w'time is it?"

He momentarily panics when he checks his phone and sees the time because he's _late_ for- oh, that's right, he had already let Bobby know he wasn't going to be at work, because Maddie is… hurt, and sick.

"Maddie?" he asks softly, sensing her moving around a bit, "did I wake you? How are you feeling?"

"Mm.. where?"

"My place, my place," he hums, "took you here after Buck took you to the hospital, remember?"

"Hosp- oh," she whines, seeming a little embarrassed, or maybe it's the fever coloring her cheeks, he can't really tell.

"I'm going to take your temperature again, okay?" he asks softly, "and then I'll get you some medicine and some ice for your ankle. How's that feeling?"

"Ooouch," is all she can moan, still half asleep and quite hazy from the fever.

"Ouch," Chimney sighs sympathetically, slipping the thermometer in her mouth and kissing her forehead, "still too warm. Maybe even warmer than last night."

And, of course, the thermometer proves him right, and he scurries to get some tylenol, ice, water, and something for her to eat with her medicine so it doesn't upset her stomach.

Maddie doesn't want to eat the toaster waffles her boyfriend brings for her, because, she doesn't… she doesn't _need_ to, but she knows Chimney will push, and she thinks that if she eats this now she can probably get away with not eating anything for the rest of the day because she's sick and legitimately not hungry because of it… so she cuts her losses, and Chimney doesn't seem to mind that she only eats about half of one of them, because hey, he never has an appetite when he has a fever, anyway.

"I'm sorry that you're sick," he says with that full-on earnesty of his, as if there's something he could've done to prevent this, "and hurt. No more falling asleep in the shower, okay?"

"I didn't mean to," she whines, weakly swatting at him a bit.

"I figured," he chuckles, "but still, let's try not to do that again. A bed is a much better place to nap, hm?"

"Chiiiiiiiiiiiiiim."

"Just looking out for my beautiful girlfriend," he hums, running a hand through her hair, "don't want anything else happening to her."

"I'm fiiiiiiiiiiiine."

"Sure you are. Because spending the past night in the ER with you is a totally normal occurrence."

"I mean, maybe if it was Buck?"

"I'm a fan of keeping the _both_ of you out of the hospital," he replies, but he can't help but laugh, because really, Buck is an injury magnet.

"Fair," she whines, squeezing her eyes shut tight.

"Maddie?"

"Head hurts," she says in a sad little whimper, "just waiting for the medicine to kick in."

"Poor thing," Chimney says, almost in a coo, gently starting to rub her temples, "does that feel okay?"

"More than okay," she purrs, "so nice. The nicest."

"Good, good," he smiles, "just relax, Maddie, going to get you better in no time."

As she relaxes more and more, he tries to, too, but something just feels… off, to him. He's probably just being paranoid, because Maddie has the flu and also an acutely swollen ankle, so of course she's not her normal self. Still, he just can't shake the feeling that there might be something else wrong.

He remembers the week before she slept for almost a full 16 hours straight, and she swore up and down that everything was fine, she just worked a hectic job, and he couldn't decide if he believed her that stress and long shifts was all that it was. And now, she's sick, which he knows biologically is likely just a coincidence, but if he's thinking back on the last month or so now, Maddie has seen pretty run down.

It's likely that he's just catastrophizing things, he knows. She's been kidnapped before, and he's been stabbed, so he's very much always ready for the next worst case scenario. She's stressed, maybe, and not opening up to him about it for whatever reason, which isn't ideal, but isn't an emergency either. He's not sure what else could be going on, either, he just knows he has… that feeling.

"Chim?" Maddie asks quietly, after god knows how long of him being stuck in his head.

"Yes, Maddie?"

"I asked what you were thinking about. You seem to be thinking pretty hard."

"Just, you know, you," he says a bit awkwardly, running a hand through her hair.

"Mmm? What about me?"

"If something was wrong, would you tell me?"

"...What do you mean?" she asks after a moment, and he thinks she almost seems… scared.

"You know I was worried about you last-"

"I'm fine," she says emphatically, "I mean, I'm sick, and I fell, but it's not related to last week, okay? I was just… tired. Sometimes life just catches up to you, you know? Sometimes you crash for like, twelve hours after a 24 hour shift."

"Yeah… I guess," he sighs, still feeling like there's something she's not telling him, "just… if ever something is wrong, you know you can talk to me, right?"

"I know," she nods, and she's not lying. It's not that she doesn't know she can't talk to him, even about what Frank, her therapist, refers to as "her eating disorder." She knows him. She knows Chimney. She knows he's so kind and thoughtful and understanding, and that he probably wouldn't 100% get it right away, he would eventually. He would work to understand and never, ever judge her. He's just so… good.

It's just that she knows it will hurt him, and she knows he will want her to stop and she's just… she's just not ready to deal with that. She's not ready.

"Okay. I just needed you to know that," he says gently, kissing her nose, "that you can tell me anything."

"I know I can," she repeats, laying her head against his shoulder so that he can't see the tears in her eyes.


	5. Chapter 5

Something about how hard this flu hits Maddie doesn't sit right with Chimney. It's the flu, it's not supposed to be fun, and when he had it he ended up passing out at the firefighter academy. But still.

He might be being paranoid, he thinks, maybe paranoia is the reason he has this constant feeling just under his skin that something isn't right.

Or, he could be correct.

Buck thinks he's being a little nuts at first, because his sister does have the flu and a sprained ankle so of course she isn't feeling very well, but he comes around to his sort of brother's suspicions when Maddie gets over the flu and something seems… off.

Maddie is smart. Smart enough to realize that her boyfriend and brother are picking up on the fact that something isn't right with her. And smart enough to realize that _they_ are smart, and the longer they hover and observe her more carefully than normal, the more likely they are to figure out what's wrong. (If something was actually wrong, that is.)

"If two people who love and care for you are convinced that something is wrong, maybe that means you should consider the fact that something is," Frank had told her.

Yeah, well, suck it Frank. (She loves and is very appreciative of him.)

It's not a conscious decision to start pulling away from Buck and Chimney, it's _several_ little conscious decisions. A cancelled date, fewer responses to text messages, declining an invitation to a dinner at Athena's house.

It only makes Chimney and Evan more suspicious, of course, but the less access they have to her the harder it will be for them to put the specific pieces together.

She really shouldn't be surprised when they show up at her door unannounced one night, because as avoidant as she's being, she knows it's no match for their persistence.

"Is everything okay? Did something happen?" she asks innocently, as if she doesn't immediately know that the reason they're at her apartment is to check on her.

"You tell me, Mads."

"Buck," Chimney warns gently, as the two of them decided that they were going to be gentle about this.

"We're worried," Buck amends, "you've been avoiding us, and when we do get to see you, you just seem… off. It's making me nervous. The last time you were acting like this it was when you were with Doug-"

"Again with subtlety, Buckaroo," Chimney rolls his eyes, "Maddie, can we come in?"

Sighing, she wordlessly waves them in, knowing that if she tried to refuse her brother would simply kick the door down.

"Okay, you try doing the talking, Chim."

"Maddie," he starts gently, "Maddie, we're really worried about you. I know you keep saying that everything is fine but each time you say it, it just gets less and less convincing. We care about you, and when you hurt, we hurt. And if there's something that you don't feel comfortable with me that you'd feel comfortable sharing with your brother-"

"There's nothing to share. Nothing is going on. I'm sorry that you two have been so worried but I'm just-"

"Tired, right, that's what you always say," Buck says frustratedly, "you're not a very good liar, Maddie."

"I'm not lying."

"Sure you're not."

"Listen, Evan, if you just came here to accuse me of-"

"Hey, hey, hey," Chimney interrupts calmly, "your brother may not be the most artful with words, but we didn't come here to fight with you, Maddie."

"Then what did you two come here for?"

"To see you," he says gently, "we've missed you."

"I've missed you, too," she replies, not only because it would be rude not to return the sentiment but also because even though she's the reason why they've been apart, she's missed him and her brother terribly.

Jesus, she's really messed things up this time, hasn't she?

"What are you thinking about?" Chimney asks quietly, "I can see that you're thinking really hard about something from your face."

"I just.. It's nothing."

"Tell me, Maddie, you can tell me."

"I'm sorry," she whispers after a moment, "I'm sorry if I've hurt your feelings. Both of your feelings."

"It's okay, sweetheart. We just want to make sure you're alright."

"Well, she's not," Buck says, only to receive an elbow to the ribs two seconds later.

"Can you just… can you two just stay tonight? Watch a movie with me? I'm lonely," she says in a tiny, childlike voice.

God, she sounds pathetic, she thinks.

"Of course," Chimney nods carefully, "of course, Maddie. No need to be lonely; we're always here for you. Right, Buck?"

"Right," he agrees, and Maddie can't blame him for the confusion with her actions read plainly across his face, "what movie do you want to watch, Mads?"

She doesn't remember what movie she ended up requesting because the next morning she can hardly remember anything about the night before. Two glasses of wine gets you really drunk when you haven't eaten anything at all that day, it turns out.

"Mmm. Stomach hurts," she groans to herself, not wanting to wake Chimney sleeping peacefully next to her.

Her stomach turns a second later, and it isn't because of alcohol on an empty stomach.

Buck is in her bed, too, squeezed in just to the left of Chimney.

She has a couch, and a guest bedroom, she can figure out why he's in here.

Because he's worried- completely, sickeningly worried about her.

Maddie doesn't know if she's ever felt so guilty about anything in her life, not even killing her husband.

Her brother, her baby brother, is sleeping in the bed with her because he _knows_ something is wrong and wants to protect her, wants to keep her safe.

It's supposed to be the other way around, she thinks. She's supposed to be the one protecting him.

And good God, she's screwed, because at this point there's no way she's going to get them to back off or convince them that she's fine, not when the two most important men in her life are coming over for impromptu sleepovers when they all share the bed.

The shame is overwhelming, and she can't be there when they wake up, she just can't.

She doesn't have a shift that morning, and she doesn't know where to, but she just knows she can't be _there_.

She finds herself stumbling out of bed, grabbing her purse, and closing and locking her front door as quietly as she can.

She'll figure out what to tell Chimney and Buck when they wake up in her apartment without her later.


	6. Chapter 6

Chimney wakes and is immediately alert, his heart pounding. There's a sinking feeling in his stomach and he briefly wonders if he had a nightmare that he cannot remember.

Then he turns to his left, expecting to find Maddie and instead finding her brother which is… startling, to say the least, before he remembers how they all managed to squeeze into Maddie's queen sized bed last night. It makes him chuckle a bit until he remembers the reason _why_ Buck felt the need to crash with them when there was another bed in the apartment available.

Maddie.

Sighing and with the bad feeling in his stomach starting to grow, he turns to his right, again expecting to find her laying next to him.

Again, he does not.

He quickly slips out of bed and shuts the door as not to wake up Buck before softly calling her name. He peeks into the hallway bathroom, nothing. He calls her name again as he pokes his head into the living room. Nothing. She must be in the kitchen, he thinks, striding in there and calling her name once more. Again, nothing.

Okay, he tells himself, maybe she's just getting the mail and will be back any moment. He sits in a chair at the kitchen table, setting an alarm on his phone to go off in five minutes. He'll only allow himself to panic if she isn't back by then.

The alarm goes off and Maddie still isn't there. Maybe she's running an errand, is what he tries to convince himself desperately. He scurries over to the coffee table in the living room to check his phone and see if she sent him a text possibly explaining her whereabouts, and there's nothing. His stomach churns. Her phone is still left on the table next to his, and he realizes her purse is gone.

Well, he's 90% sure she wasn't abducted, because what kind of kidnapper would let her take her purse? But now he knows she's gone, she left on her own accord, didn't take her phone, and didn't leave a note or a text message.

Maddie doesn't go places without her phone, is the thing. Unless she specifically doesn't want to be reached.

He knows. He knows instantly that she's gone somewhere to hide from them, and that he has no idea where and he can't contact her and he has no idea what's going on with her but he knows that _something_ is wrong.

And now she's gone, presumably alone, and he has no real way to find her.

He still calls Josh on a hopeful whim, but isn't surprised in the slightest when the 9-1-1 operator has no idea where Maddie is, but expresses that he's definitely noticed that she's been acting off lately. _Great_.

"Buck," he sighs, shaking the younger man's shoulder and not even bothering to be subtle about, "Buck, you need to wake up. I can't find Maddie."

Chimney is at least trying to maintain some outward composure, figuring that the calmer he can fake being the more clear his mind will be to take some educated guesses as to where Maddie might have run off to.

Buck is outwardly an outright tornado of anxiety.

Chimney can't really say that he blames in.

"Okay, God, where would she even go?" Buck exclaims, pacing the living room floor so heavily that Chimney is sure Maddie's downstairs neighbors must want to murder them.

"I don't know, Buck," Chimney says softly, biting his lip and taking a couple of the deepest breaths that he could possibly manage, "I keep trying to think of where she might go, but all the places I can think of are places she'd _know_ I would think of, and I don't think your sister wants to be found right now."

"But why?" he asks angrily, "why would she do this? Why would she just… run away?"

"I'm sure she's coming back, Buckaroo. She would have taken more than just her purse if she was running away for real."

"And that makes it okay? Something has been going on with her for WEEKS now and I keep trying to get her to talk to me, letting her know I'm there for her, and now this? She just disappears? Why can't she just talk to me?"

"I don't know," Chimney finds himself saying again, "Buck. I wish I had the answers as much as you do. Believe me, all I want is to help your sister with whatever it is that's giving her trouble."

"She didn't use to be like this, you know, before Doug. She'd actually just… talk about things."

"Do you have any ideas as to where Maddie might be?" He asks, choosing not to actually touch on what Buck just said because he doesn't feel capable of not bursting into tears if he lets himself sit with it.

"Absolutely none."

They end up checking the places Chimney originally thought of- a coffee shop, a park bench, the diner right by the call center- and true to his line of thinking, she isn't there. It would just be too obvious.

They hope, they pray that when they arrive back at her place that she'll be there.

She's not, and Buck immediately calls Bobby to let him know that he and Chimney will not be at work that day because his sister is _missing_.

Everyone wants to help, but Bobby can't because no one can find a replacement captain quick enough for that, and Chimney and Buck insist that Hen and Eddie go into work so that Bobby doesn't have to scramble to call in anymore personnel than necessary.

Two hours into when their shift would've started, they still have zero idea where Maddie is.

Maddie isn't even one hundred percent sure of where she is.

She's in her car, in some parking lot, presumably still in LA because she was able to mindlessly drive there with little effort. She supposes if she actually looked around at her surroundings she could figure it out, but she doesn't actually want to. She doesn't want to know where she is because she doesn't want to be anywhere. She wants to disappear.

Maddie has felt a lot of shame in her life, but nothing has ever felt quite like this. Her brother and her boyfriend, the two people she loves the most, are eating themselves alive with concern for, so much so that her little brother feels the need to stay with her in that same bed at night.

And on some level, she knows they're right to be so worried about her.

It's still the last thing she wants.

She wants freedom, well, freedom isn't exactly the right word, but she wants enough isolation to partake in… this, whatever it is that is going on with her and food. (Frank would call it an eating disorder; Frank can suck it.)

She's also desperately miserable and wants their love and comfort more than anything, well, more than anything except for one thing. That one thing being the isolation.

God, she is a fucking mess.

"I can't do this anymore," she says to herself, hands starting to shake, and even she doesn't know what it is exactly that she can't keep doing. Hyper-managing her food intake? Avoiding Chimney and Buck? Having relationships with Chimney and Buck? Being a person at all?

No, she doesn't want to die, but that doesn't mean she wants to exist either.

She still has no reasonable explanation to give her two favorite men for her absence when she returns to them. She knows they should be at work by now, but she's doubtful they actually went, and even if they did she knows they'll be back at her apartment the second they get off work.

She loves them, she loves them so indescribably much, and she hates that she's hurting them when all that she wanted was just to hurt herself.

She knows she needs to go back eventually. Her phone is back at her place but the clock on her dashboard lets her know it's been hours. She just doesn't know what to say. Doesn't know how to explain to them what she can't even fully explain to herself.

Beyond that, she doesn't _want_ to explain the truth, whatever that may be, to them.

_Fuck_.

Eventually, she does glance around the parking lot and realizes that while she vaguely knows where she is, she doesn't know it well enough to know how to drive home. And she doesn't have her phone to look it up.

She finds herself walking into a Starbucks in the shopping center, because she at least has her wallet on her and can buy a cup of coffee to drink while she figures out what the hell to do.

"Hold on, detective, I'll call you back," she hears a familiar voice say behind her, and she feels her skin start to crawl, "Madeline Buckley, is that you? Because I have it on good authority that there are two men looking all over Los Angeles for you."

"I uh.. H-hi, Athena."

"Hi, Maddie. Care to tell me why Chimney and your brother are approximately five hours away from filing a missing persons report?"

"..I… I-I don't really know where I am," is what comes tumbling out of her mouth.

It's not very reassuring.


	7. Chapter 7

"You know, I have people under arrest who are practicing their right to an attorney who speak more words to me when they're in the back of my cop car than you."

"And since you're not under arrest, I still don't understand why you chose to sit in the back. I don't bite, sweetheart."

"Girl, I love you, but if you don't say something soon I'm going to assume you're having an aneurysm and take you to the nearest hospital."

"How bad is it?" are the first words that come out of Maddie's mouth.

"How bad is what? Your hypothetical aneurysm?"

"At home," Maddie whispers, mouth dried up from anxiety, "everyone waiting I mean… how bad is it? Are they worried?"

"Are they worried? Girl," Athena near yells, throwing a hand up off the steering wheel in astoundment, "what do you think? You just disappeared for hours without your phone, with no note, and according to your brother and your boyfriend you've been acting weird for weeks. Of course they're worried! Hen and Eddie and Bobby were gonna help them form a search party if you hadn't been found before their shift ended."

"So I take it Buck and Chimney didn't go to work?"

"Girl, again, what do you think? Do you have any idea of the mess you've caused?"

"Oh no, don't worry. I have an idea," she groans, putting her head down in her hands.

"So, are you going to start talking to me about what the hell is going on with you or not?"

"Not."

"I see stubbornness runs in the Buckley family. Listen, Maddie, I can't make you talk to me. I can't make you talk to Chimney or Buck, either. But whatever it is that's going on with you? It's not going to get any better until you decide to start talking about it."

"Madeline," she sighs when Maddie continues to decide not to talk about it, "we are friends. If you're in trouble, you can let me know."

"No, I'm not in any legal trouble, Athena."

"You know that's not what I meant," Athena retorts, eyes rolling, "I'm just saying, I'm a good listener. And with all the crazy shit I see out in the field every single day? There is probably nothing you could say to me that would make me judge you."

"I'll keep that in mind," is all that Maddie says in response.

Athena walks her up to the door of the apartment, making a joke that doesn't feel completely like a joke about how if she doesn't then who knows where she'll end up next.

Buck starts yelling before Maddie can even close the door behind her.

Maddie just lets him. Sinks into a chair, puts her head down on the kitchen table and lets him yell.

It takes her a few minutes to realize that Chimney has been silent the entire time. Which strikes her as… odd. If Chimney were feeling like himself, he would almost certainly try and keep Buck from raising his voice at her. He's probably pissed, he thinks. After all, she deserves his anger after the little runaway stunt she pulled today.

When Buck finally goes silent and she raises her head up from off the table, she sees anger on his face, but not on Chimney's.

Chimney's eyes are red and puffy, and his cheeks are blotchy and he looks utterly exhausted. He looks _wrecked_.

"Chim," she whimpers, getting up and taking a few unsteady steps in his direction.

"Sit," he says in an uncharacteristically quiet voice, touching her so gently it's like he thought she were made of glass as he guides her over to the couch, "you're not feeling well."

"Just got up too fast," she whimpers.

"Oh, did you not have time to eat on your little adventure today?" Buck asks bitterly, and she flinches. Not from his tone, but from how on the nose he is without even knowing it.

"Buck," Chimney whispers tiredly, leaning against the edge of the couch.

"Maddie," Buck sighs, "Maddie, just fucking say _something_, I'm begging you."

"I-I don't know what to say."

And hey, at least it's honest.

"Maybe start with what you were doing at a Starbucks all the way across the town without much idea of where you were?" Chimney prompts gently, and really, she needs to stop looking over at him because each time she does she just feels more and more guilty.

"I-I don't… I don't know, I just… I don't know."

"Maddie," Chimney says seriously, kneeling down in front of her, "I need you to tell me what's going on. I _need_ you to."

"There's nothing… there's nothing to tell," she whimpers softly, squirming in her seat.

"Maddie, you can't honestly expect me to believe that," he whispers, and really, his patience is remarkable. He's so different from Doug in every conceivable way.

"Howie, I can't… it's nothing, there's nothing."

"I know talking about things can be hard-"

"There's nothing to talk about!" she exclaims weakly, starting to panic.

"Maddie!" Buck shouts, unthinkingly slapping the table in frustration.

Buck would never, ever in a million years hurt her. She knows this. But trauma makes her _feel_ it differently.

She jumps up with a yelp, and the sudden change in both position and heart rate is too much for her weakened, self-abused body.

She doesn't pass out, but she gets dizzy and when she sways she trips over her own foot. Her face breaks her fall into the coffee table in front of her.

There's a crack, and there's blood.

"S'broken," Maddie gasps, gently palming at her nose.

Buck is yelling out panicked apologies, immediately moving to hold her and futile trying to sop up some of the blood with his shirt.

Chimney, a trained paramedic, a first responder who has spent years flying into action in a crisis, is completely frozen for a long moment. Just standing and staring, watching his poor girlfriend gush blood from her nose and offer tearful reassurances to her brother.

And then he just cries. Sinks to the floor, wraps his arms around his knees, and cries.


	8. Chapter 8

Chimney can't seem to stop crying. Well, he can for increments of twenty minutes or less, but that's as long as he can keep a different fit of tears at bay. His head hurts from all the crying; the last time that happened having been after Shannon died, and the many times before that in the first few months after his mom died.

Maddie gets her broken nose straightened out at the hospital. Really, he had the medical knowledge and prowess to do it himself for her at home, but his hands haven't stopped shaking since that morning when he woke up and realized Maddie was gone and he hadn't trusted himself to not fuck it up. Might as well not make things even worse for her.

She's sound asleep now, fell asleep in the car ride home from the hospital and Buck had carried her up to her bed like he had done for her not roughly three weeks ago. Two hospital visits in three weeks for her. Great. Everything is going just great.

"Do you want me to call Hen or something?" Buck asks softly, and he jumps a little because he hadn't noticed the younger man's presence.

"She's fine, well, not… she's sound asleep," Buck continues, "so I thought I'd come check on you, because, you know, you can't stop crying."

"Tactful," Chim tries to joke, but it just comes out flat, broken, pathetic.

"Seriously, I know… I know I'm not great at these things, at all. So if you want me to call Bobby or Hen…?"

"There's not anything they could do," Chim sniffles, biting down on his lip to hold back a sob, "but thanks, Buck. Don't worry about me, please. Be worried about your sister."

"Oh, I already am," he replies with a tired laugh, "but I, uh, can do two things at once."

"This isn't easy for you, either."

"Never said it was."

"Look, I… I-I don't know why I can't seem to pull it together and stop crying. I don't… but please, it's fine. You don't have to try and fix it."

"You can't stop crying because you love my sister and she's going through some sort of crisis that neither of us know anything about," Buck says astutely, and yeah, he's not always the most delicate when it comes to feelings but he's certainly not dumb. Maddie might have more emotional intelligence than her brother, but both Buckley siblings are clearly very smart.

It's part of what kills him about this. Maddie is one of the smartest people he knows. Shouldn't she know that lying and trying to pretend like everything is normal is only going to make things worse?

"I just… seeing her like this," he whimpers, tears falling faster than they had been a moment before, "Buck, it… it hurts… I can't…? I can do this but I wish I didn't have to. I wish she didn't have to be in this much pain. And I wish that whatever the hell it is that's going on with her, she knew that she could share it with me, with us."

"Maybe she does know that," Buck muses with a heavy sigh, "maybe she does know that she can and she just… doesn't want to, for whatever reason."

"What makes you think that?"

"I mean, there's no way to know for sure since she won't talk," Buck laughs bitterly, "but… if she could tell me about Doug, if I could convince her to open up to me about that instead of running away… why couldn't she talk to me about this? It's hard to think that anything could be worse than Doug."

"Low bar, but I understand the line of thinking. I just… Buck… I don't even know what to do. Usually when bad things happen I at least have _some_ idea of how to handle it, I mean, that's literally my job."

"I know what you mean," Buck whispers, "and I'm at a total loss, too. Chim, I've never seen her like this before. I can't even begin to have any guesses about what all of this is about. I just want my sister back. My happy, healthy sister back. This kind of feels like losing herself all over again."

_Ouch_. And Chimney thought he couldn't possibly hurt anymore than he already was.

"You really didn't hear from her for three years?"

"No," Buck shakes his head, looking down at the ground, "Chimney, I swear, if I knew what was actually going on, I would've pushed harder. I just thought he was a jerk but I didn't… I didn't know."

"I don't blame you, Buck, and you shouldn't blame yourself. I'm pretty sure secrecy is what monsters like that thrive off of."

"Still. Wish I could have done more."

"You did what you could, buddy," Chimney says genuinely, patting his friend on the shoulder, "the past is the past. You can't go back and change it. Besides, we have enough to worry about in the now."

"I… wish that wasn't so true."

"I'm afraid to fall asleep," Chimney says after a few seconds, "not that I really feel like I could fall asleep, anyway, but I… last time I fell asleep, I woke up and she was gone. And since she's still not talking I don't trust her not to do it again."

"She has to start talking eventually, right?"

"I hope so, Buckaroo, I really hope so."

"What are you two still doing up?" a weak voice calls, and if Buck and Chimney can tell by her demeanor that she had been eavesdropping, they're both too tired to call her on it.

"Maddie," Chim says, wiping at his eyes as if she hadn't seen him crying all evening, "what are you doing out of bed?"

"Water," she murmurs nervously, and it comes out sounding more like a question than an answer.

"I got it," Buck nods, shooting up to his feet.

"Come sit?" Chimney asks, patting the space on the couch next to him.

Maddie ends up more or less sprawling out in his lap, which is a surprise to him, albeit a welcome one, because he really hadn't even expected her to want to sit with him.

"Hi," she whispers, eyes closed tight.

"Hi," he whispers back, fingers tentatively combing through her hair, "how's your nose?"

"Doesn't hurt as bad as before," she sighs, and he can't decide if he believes her or not.

"That's good," he says anyway, unable to keep more tears leaking from his eyes when he adds, "don't like seeing my girl in pain."

She opens her mouth as if she's about to say something, before closing it, seemingly changing her mind. She opens it again, then closes it once more.

It's probably the closest to an acknowledgement that yes, there _is_ something going on with that he's gotten.

It would feel like progress if it wasn't so damn sad.

"I got you," he whispers after a tense silence, Buck seeming to notice that they're having a _moment_ as he hides back in the kitchen for a moment after walking towards them with a glass of water, "I got you, Maddie. No matter what."

"Do you? Even now?"

"Always."

"Always? Haven't known you for that long, in the grand scheme of things."

"Sometimes it doesn't take forever to be sure about something," he responds, fingers moving from her hair to lightly cup her chin.

He watches her, searching her eyes with his. He sees pain, he sees panic, he sees guilt, and for a split second he thinks he sees _longing_.

Maybe he can count _that_ as progress.


	9. Chapter 9

Josh is spying on her, Maddie knows this.

(Okay, maybe referring to it as "spying" is a little juvenile. He's keeping tabs on her for Chimney, which is annoying and feels unnecessary, but what remains of the grounded in actual real world logic corner of her brain finds it a little sweet. Just a little sweet. Mostly annoying.)

The attention, from everyone, is overwhelming. She knows she's brought it upon herself, especially after her whole running away stunt last week, but still, that doesn't mean she has to like it.

She's starting to get desperate for some peace, or at least _less_ scrutiny. So for the first time in roughly two months, she agrees to go to a firefam dinner. What's the worst that could happen, really? As long as she doesn't eat anything else that day, and hardly eats the day before, and goes to the gym the next morning, it'll be fine. If she keeps repeating how she'll deal with her departure from her usual food routine, maybe the anxiety she'll feel at the firehouse dining table will be manageable. Maybe.

It's not really, and her skin feels both like it's coated in freezer burn and is on fire at the same time, but she manages to finish about half of what Bobby had plated for her. If anyone thinks she hasn't eaten enough, they don't say anything. So she'll take that as a win.

Everyone keeps staring at her, though. Shooting her "hidden" and "inconspicuous" glances when she's "not looking." She tries to ignore it, but it just adds to the mountain of anxiety inside of her. And outside of her, apparently.

"Maddie, honey, if you keep bouncing your leg underneath the table like that, all the food is going to fall off it. And I like you, but Bobby worked way too hard on this meal for that," Athena says with a warm, casual laugh, and well, Maddie has to appreciate how Athena is doing her courtesy of pretending like everything is normal in front of everyone. If only the rest of the dinner guests could do her that favor.

"Sorry," she says with a forced little smile, "it's a habit."

"Only when you're nervous," Buck grumbles under his breath, and really, it's practically not even her fault when she kicks his ankle under the table. Where else did he think that behavior was going to get him?

"You know, it's been a while since we've seen you last," Eddie states, and there must be an unspoken rule (or spoken, but before she got there) that none of them were to address it head on, because half the table is now glaring at him.

"I've been busy," she replies quickly, hiding her hands in her lap so no one can see how they're shaking,

Eddie doesn't say anything back, and she's grateful that he's let it go.

"So, Maddie," Karen murmurs, "any bizarre 9-1-1 calls at the call center, lately? I hear all the crazy stories about random injuries as a result of stupidity from Hen all the time, but I'm sure it gets pretty weird over the phone, too."

"Oh, yeah, of course," she laughs, remarkably easily because really, she's always liked Karen, "just the other day we had someone calling because they lost their pet snake. One of the ones strong enough to strangle someone."

"What is it with the people of LA and snakes?" Buck cackles, "we had almost an identical situation two years ago. Crazy snake charmer lady."

"Didn't you sleep with her?"

"I was a different person then, Chim."

"Mmmm how much different, though?"

"Shut it," Buck laughs, "I haven't had sex with someone I shouldn't in over a year."

"Over a year? Buckaroo, we gotta get you a medal," Athena says with faux pride.

"Yeah, yeah, I know. I'm incredible."

"Maddie, I'm glad you at least inherited some common sense from your parents," Bobby adds, "Buck has some, I think. It's just buried way, way, way, _way_ down."

"Hilarious, Bobby, hilarious. But you know, she's still a Buckley, after all. She might not have ever stolen a firetruck to have sex-"

"She doesn't work for the fire department, Buck-"

"But she definitely has some of that good ole fashioned Buckley brashness in her blood."

"I can testify to that," Chimney teases gently, patting her back, "if Maddie is really determined about something? Everyone better get out of the way, myself included."

"Chim," she blushes, hiding her face in his shoulder for a moment.

"One time she punched a kid who was mean to me at school."

"To be fair," Maddie says meekly, "the kid was in my year. I wouldn't have punched an eight year old."

"Would you have, though?"

"No, Buck, but what you would."

"Hey," he gasps, pretending to be offended, "let's not forget the time you drove me to school even though you only had a learner's permit."

"Oh, please, it's not like I was a novice driver. Mom and dad were away, you missed the bus, and I was only a week away from taking my drivers test, anyway. And did we crash or get pulled over, no?"

"Wait- what?" Chimney laughs.

"As an officer of the law, I'm just going to pretend I didn't hear any of that," Athena says crossly.

But then, she winks and mouths "nice" at her.

"Yep, Maddie's pretty incredible. Runs in the Buckley bloodline."

"Hmm, don't know about it applying to both of you, Buckaroo," Chimney muses, lightly punching his arm, "but Maddie is definitely incredible."

"She is," Bobby nods, and Maddie is both surprised and touched, "an incredible woman. I'm so glad you came to LA and that you and Chimney found each other."

"I second that," Athena agrees.

"You guys…" Maddie trails off, blushing again.

"Incredible enough to run away for six hours and not tell anyone."

"Eddie," Bobby admonishes, shooting him his most scary "captain" glare.

"Um, you know, I-I have an early shift tomorrow," Maddie says in a panic, hastily getting up from her chair, "I should-"

"No, stay, Eddie was just about to apologize. Right, Eddie?"

"Sure."

"Eddie," Chimney growls, uncharacteristically aggressive, "what is your problem?"

"I don't know, what's Maddie's problem?"

"You're out of line. Apologize or get out."

"Seconded," Bobby says flatly.

"Fine, fine, I'll go, but you all want to act like there's not a problem? Like nothing's wrong and just welcome her back after putting Buck and Chimney through hell? Whatever's wrong, just say it- don't run away, or avoid them, or draw it out to be this whole big dramatic thing. God, I guess you and Buck do have something in common. Instead of dealing with your problems-"

"EDDIE!" Hen shouts, banging her first down on the table, "shut the hell up and take a walk!"

"Don't talk to me like that, Hen."

"Don't talk to my girlfriend like that!" Chimney yells.

"Eddie, seriously," Buck cuts in, angry but trying to salvage the relationships at the table as he puts a hand on his arm and starts to tug him toward the stairs, "let's go-"

"Why are you defending her? All she's done is stress you and Chimney out, which in turn has just stressed the whole station out. She's just as much a drama queen as you are, if not more. So you got your leg crushed, so she got abducted, deal with your pain instead of starting a stupid lawsuit or acting like a prima donna!"

"He did not just go there," Athena gasps.

Followed by a long silence.

And then a slap, Hen's hand meeting Eddie's face.


End file.
